May I cry???

The sunlight shone with suspended dust particles as it illuminated my skin.
I watched in awe, as a leaf cascaded from a branch and executed,
gracefully,
a lovemaking dance with before it finally kissed the supple cheeks of the
earth.
A hidden chirp was chirping a song from among the arms of a nearby tree.
Unlike Josh, I need not understand it to appreciate it.
I stood up and brushed short blades of grass off my jeans. Stuffing my cold
hands in my jeans pocket, I took steps, moving to the motion of leaving.
"Kathy", I heard him whisper. I knew he was there. I saw him come in the
iron gates. But I never expected him to call me as if he wanted to have
anything to do with me again.
We spent quiet mornings together, shared warm laughter. Built sandcastles.
Embraced our dreams. That was way back. When he was still my best friend.
It
was my fault, I guess. Eventually, what started out as friendship turned
into something deeper for me. I felt more for Josh, and because of such, I
wanted more from him. I clung onto him as if he was a long-lost teddy bear.
Josh is a man like no other. He sensed what was going on inside of me…
One morning, I woke up to find him turning his back, perhaps not on our
friendship, but to that thing I wanted to become of us. As we went on about
our own ways, I watched him go on wonderfully without me, and with that, I
watched myself as my life fell apart without him. He never noticed me. Not
since then. And I am so taken aback now that he’s here. His eyes were sad
as
he walked towards me, but I could breathe in overwhelming calmness from it.
He took a few more heartbeats before he stopped just a breath from me, as
if
measuring his steps unsurely. He looked at me the way I always wanted him
to, for the very first time in my life. His eyes were casting heavy glances
on my every fiber, saying things I’ve always imagined him say in my dreams.
I smiled. Silently thanking him for coming. Meekly stretching out an arm,
holding open for him to touch. But I hesitated, and stuffed my hands back
in
my jeans pocket. Foolish me.
He smiled back, such sweet smile was the only hint of color on his face. He
breathed in so heavenly, seeming to catch my scent with his sense to keep
it
within him to remember. Closing his eyes, a furrow finding its path on his
brows, he pulled out, from behind him, a single white rose. For me? Are you
sure? I wanted to ask him. All my days and nights I stared at him like he
was a lost star. Every single heartbeat, I spent nurturing my seemingly
pointless endearment of him. My diary is still stained with every tear I’ve
shed for this man. Now he’s here. Holding out a single white rose. For me?
For me. A tear warmed my face as the cold wind lapped on my skin. Lifting
the flower to his lips, he gave a soul with his kiss. "I wish you all the
sweet things you deserve", he said gently, almost whispering, lowering the
flower on the softness of the grass. As he knelt on the ground above me, he
never noticed me. Not till then. And I am so taken aback, that among the
stones within this quiet green, he walked over and recognized me, after so
long. And he came over to give me something I never had when I was living.
As I felt myself ascend to the sky, the wind is cradling me in its soft
arms, I watched Josh from above. I saw the tears escape his eyes before he
even caught his face with his hands.
I saw him break down, the way I did the day he left me. Now I’m leaving
him,
and I guess he finally learned how it hurts to lose one’s best friend. I
saw
his shoulders heave with mourning as he traced a finger on my flower. The
flower carries with me through this unfamiliar journey.
I lived my life loving Josh.
I lived my life unloved.
But it’s like being reborn again.
When he came forth today.
It’s sad it had to take my death for Josh to come back.
It’s sad it had to take my death for him to give me a single white rose.
My first Rose.

Timeless Dilemma

As i was watching “NUMB3RS” yesterday a line from Larry hit me square on the face. This line is maybe, exactly the thing, the reason why I am masochistic about a certain “aspect”.

“Ahh the timeless dilemma, coercing logic to better suit the human emotions”

Maybe this is the reason why I struggle to hold on to certain things when common sense would dictate that i should’ve moved on ages ago. I always try to give reason as to why I am doing this is because in reality, I may just really be afraid of not being a part of it anymore. I tend to always bend my logic rather than to hurt my emotions. It is much more acceptable for myself that I have a twisted sense of logic than to have mangled heart.

The hard thing though is, no matter how much I twist and bend my logic, I can never truly suit it to my emotions, that is why I still hurt.

From a movie…

While I was scanning the TV for something to watch, I chanced upon Bea’s movie “One More Chance”. And the dialog that she was having with Derek struck me. She said that it was a good new start for her, new office and new people. and Derek said to her

“It’s good that you are starting a new, but remember at the end of the day even though things change, some things remain the same. Kaya huwag mo dapat kalimutan ang lumang ikaw at lumang tao sa buhay mo”

What he said was right, because if not for the people who are part of our past who we are right now would not be the same. Our past interactions shape us in to what we will become today and what happens to us today help shape us for the future. That is why even if the past people hurt us in someway they still deserve a little thanks from us because of what they did we are what and where we are right now. So go on living the present, expecting the future and remembering the past.

LiveJournal Tags: one more chance,future,past,present,movie

Of boredom and tiredness…

One of my longest time friend sent me a text late last night about the topic of getting tired of something.

“If you love what you’re doing, you’ll never get bored.

So then does it follow that if you love someone you’ll never get tired?”

I do love someone so much but now I just feel so tired of loving. Sometimes it is as if that person purposefully drives me insane just for the heck of it. I think that person finds something fulfilling in making me feel this miserable. And I ‘ really want to think that but because of this pain I just really can’t help myself. I don’t want to get tired of loving that person, I want to love that person every waking moment of my existence. I care so much for that person, I would do anything for that one if that person asks me to do it. I have given up most of what makes me, me just to accomdate the wants demanded and expected of me.I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. It is ok not to love me back, just please don’t treat me like dirt, or even much worse don’t treat me like i dont exist.

Serenity

I remember a line from Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons, a line that the Calarmengo Carlo Ventresca said courtesy of Swiss Guard Commander Olivetti.

“God grant me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change.”

I googled that line to get the full version of the prayer. And the only title it has is the “Serenity Prayer.” This is the full content of that prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

And I think that I really need to ask this from God. I am finding it hard to let things go. I am so scared that if I let go now, and when in the future it happens to get better it may not mean anything to me anymore because I have already let go. And I dont want that. Everyone and everything means so much to me that I am always afraid of letting go. I dont want to loose them or diminish their importance in my life.

Especially the ones that have done something for me. Something that I could never ever forget. Something that is so good that the things they are doing to hurt me are still bearable to an extent. One act of random kindness. An act that means so much to someone especially if done at the moment when someone really needs it.

So to all those people thank you so much. I would like to let you know that I wont be letting go of any of you, not any time soon.

Loosing People

For sometime now, I have been terrified of loosing people that are important to me. Well actually it is a constant fear in me. Because I always give so much importance to friends that I make, that makes me a little too much clingy. And the season certainly did not help me in anyway with this fear of mine. March, graduation month, a time when people go on to another part of their lives. And I being so fortunate that I will be left in school because of certain events made it so much worse. But that is not the main problem.

The thing is even if I am to graduate with them, I will still feel so depressed because it will still mean that I will not see them anymore at any given day of the week. It feels that after graduation I would loose them all. And what crushes my heart most is that I think that I am the only one feeling this way. Like I am the only one that cares enough to be lonely that I am loosing them. It got me thinking that am I the only one that holds importance to this friendship? Because I am the only one worrying about it. And that feeling never made it any easier for me.

But when I attended their graduation, even if it brings a little ache to watch, I was still very happy because I saw my friends walking up that stage, saw the fruits of their hard work. I am glad that I came, that I watched, and conquered the fear that it will only hurt me. Because if I missed that I am sure that I would regret that for the span of my life. I am glad that I said to myself that I would not miss that for the world. What made me more happier is that after the ceremonies, when I got to talk to them and extend my personal congratulations, my fear of loosing them diminished by quite some amount. I realized then that it is not that they don’t hold any importance to our friendship that they aren’t worried. They aren’t worried because they never saw the graduation as a hindrance to our friendship. That even after they are in a different part of their lives they are still there for me, my friends.

I learned then and from two someones so enlightened that I wasn’t really loosing them as long as I dont let go. It is still up to me if I lost them. Though it meant I can’t see them every day of the week, they are still there. Always within reach, one call, one text, one instant message and they are still connected to me. One way or another they are still near me. And that nothing has been lost, something just had changed. And though I am still far from being okay, atleast I am now headed in that direction.

Just because…

“Just because we’ve been dealt a certain hand doesn’t mean we can’t choose to rise above. To conquer a destiny that none of us wanted”.

-Edward Cullen, Twilight

by Stephanie Mayer

It’s something that I said to myself when I was “delayed” in school. After realizing that I would really be delayed, I said to myself that I will no longer aspire for average grades, I would make the most out of the second chance that “I am still in the school where I still am”. That even though I failed once, I can and have made up for it. That I am capable of much more than that of what I thought I can accomplish.

But it also applies so much more to me in life in general. As I experience ups and downs in life, the more I realize that I should make the most out of it, especially the downs because it gives me much more chances to learn. That if we are in position that we do not want, a not so green pasture if we can push ourselves to do something much more of what we expect of ourselves we get a sense of fulfillment that we have found a bit more reason to why we are in the places we are.